Today is Father’s Day in my home country, which means it’s time to celebrate the goofy charms of dads from coast to coast.
American dads are a special kind of special. An American dad can tell you how many home runs Mickey Mantle hit in 1961…but then forget the birthdays of his own children. An American dad also has no problem yelling at his kids to “Grow up!”…while simultaneously clutching a Superman comic book under his arm. And, finally, only an American dad would ever deem it logical to forbid his offspring from playing with toy guns (for safety reasons)…while he goes out and plays with REAL ones. Yessiree Bob, American dads are a funny lot, and chock-full of zany idiosyncrasies.
Which brings me to my own dad…his name is Gary and he is without a doubt the most idiosyncratic man I’ve ever known. In fact, if it was possible to count them up, I would confidently wager that my dad has more idiosyncrasies than your dad (unless you’re my older brother Eric, in which case it would be a tie).
With that said, I give to you “The Time That My Father Bought Some Bagels”.
Enjoy, and happy Father’s Day to all!
Setting: April of 2014. Man decides to sell house in Florida and move to New York. Man recruits younger son to help him with cleaning, packing and driving.
Day 1: Son arrives at 11:30 PM and is less than pleased to find that there is virtually no food in the house. Man apologizes profusely and promises son that food will soon be purchased.
Day 2: Man enters local supermarket and decides to purchase six-pack of Entenmann’s Bagels for $2.99. Man seems satisfied with purchase. Man announces to son, “We’ll keep these with us throughout the week…in case we’re hungry and we need something to nibble on.”
Day 3: Man and son eat cereal and milk for breakfast. Bagels go untouched. Man acknowledges this by muttering, “Maybe we’ll get to these tomorrow.” Man then proceeds to relocate bagels from the countertop to the refrigerator so that the cockroaches don’t get to them.
Day 4: Man and son again eat cereal and milk for breakfast. Bagels go untouched. Man matter-of-factly declares, “I may have overplayed my hand when I bought these bagels.”
Day 5: Man and son once again eat cereal and milk for breakfast. Bagels go untouched. Man and son then commence 3-day road trip from Florida to New York. Man stubbornly insists on bringing the bagels in the car rather than leaving them behind, because…”You never know.” Man chooses to keep them up front with him “so that they don’t get lost in the back of the car.”
Day 6: Man and son take advantage of complimentary breakfast in hotel dining room. Bagels go untouched. However, man instructs son, “Without drawing attention to yourself, go over to where the food is and grab some small containers of butter…just in case we finally end up getting to those damn bagels.” Man returns to hotel room and, perhaps too proud to admit defeat just yet, insists on putting the bagels back into the car. Sighing audibly, he avows, “We have one more day tomorrow. Maybe we can salvage one or two of these.”
Day 7: Man and son consume leftover Middle Eastern takeout food for breakfast. Bagels go untouched. Man stares dejectedly at bagels, emits a sigh audible from Abu Dhabi, and declares, “These bagels were a tremendous mistake.”